Halloween is quickly approaching and we needed to decide if we were going to dress Ellie up or not. We originally agreed to do a Hello Kitty costume, but the only costumes we liked were online and we never made an effort to purchase them. And with a few days to Halloween, it’s just not going to work. Then I thought of doing a mummy costume. How cool would a baby mummy be? The caption of the photo would read “I love my mummy,” even though her daddy put the costume together. Whatever, I’d still love it. But my wife didn’t want our child dressed as a dead person. I needed to come up with something else. Something easier. Something better. And I did. But it’s an idea so secret I didn’t even tell my wife. Only my mom and I know. And that’s what brought me to JoAnn Fabrics a few days before Halloween.
JoAnn Fabrics is usually a normal store with normal things and semi-normal people who shop there. But if you go there before any major Holiday, you better watch out. For one, you know you are in the JoAnn Fabrics’ parking lot when at least half the cars have a guy sitting in the driver seat reading the paper. They are not brave enough to go in. They sit somewhat patiently in the car waiting for their wives to return with bags of fake leaves and fabrics with teddy bears on them and a mind full of dreams. Dreams of homemade wreaths for EVERY holiday and homemade pot holders to use at dinner for ANY occasion. This occasion happens to be Halloween.
I walk in the store and it is immediate chaos. The lines are long, the women are crazy filling their baskets with crafty things as if they are preparing for the apocalypse. There is a heard of guys by the entrance because they didn’t want to sit in the car. So they stand guard by the door ready to make a break for it. I’m assuming that the bulk of the store would be head to toe Halloween, but boy was I wrong. The store looked like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer puked all over it after eating too much mistle toe. Christmas already? For real? The Halloween section was reduced to a few blood tubes, pumpkin cupcake papers, and some skull cookie cutters. (which I almost bought). For 70% off wouldn’t you? I scour the fabric section looking for the ideal fabric for my project. The fabric cutting line is getting longer and longer. I think it’s mainly for Halloween costumes but it’s such a random group of people. A few old ladies with Christmas fabric who must be entering a quilted potholder competition, some creepy guys buying way too much elastic, a hot mom with some spider web fabric, and me. Eventually, I get to the front of the line and the lady who cuts the fabric looks at my fabrics and says “I can’t cut this type of fabric because of my hand, unless you want to come home and nurse me!” The other lady working the counter says, “Sally, that’s not a good idea.” Sally looks me up and down and says, “I think it’s a perfect idea.” I wish I was smooth and would just wink back. But I feel my face turn red and I sheepishly smile. Finally, I get my fabrics cut.
After that, I make my way through the heard of old women scavenging through the Christmas ornaments, fake sparkle leaves, and pot holder kits. I’m ready to check out. The JoAnn Fabrics checkout line is not like any other checkout line. You have to go through the dollar section and a maze of clearance items or just plain crap until you are able to see a cashier. And since this line was long and slow moving, you were stuck looking at all this crap wondering if you needed it. If you stare at something long enough not only do you find that you want it, but that you NEED it. Like this Twilight Calendar for only a dollar! Or small sparkle red bags. They are too small to put anything inside them, but they sparkle, and they’re only a dollar! I NEED these! Or how about these Halloween coloring books!? Maybe I’ll be bored later today. And for only a dollar, how could I not! I manage to resist these temptations and make it to the candy section. I would die for a Reese’s right now. But I’m strong. I just had lunch and I’m full. I let the craving go. And then… uh oh… what is that!? S.B.D. The old silent but deadly move. Either Captain Elastic in front of me or the weird old lady behind me farted! I can’t tell because I feel trapped. It’s like someone gave me an @ss lasso. It’s in all directions. I’m putting my money on Captain Elastic because he looks way too suspicious. What’s he need with all that elastic anyways. You can just tell he’s hiding something. I try to be cool. I stop breathing. My eyes begin to water. I keep blowing air around to dissipate it. What do I do!? Finally the cashier calls me over. “Hey there, nice jacket. (wink)” I thought this was JoAnn fabrics, not Cougar Central. At least it’s nice to know I have options. I still got it!
As I make it back to my car, I think, what a bunch of weirdos, totally discounting the fact that I’ve made many solo trips there in the past for my own projects. And totally disregarding the fact that I just spent at least a good 20 minutes STARING at two bolts of fabric not being able to decide which color to get. Not only did I just stand there staring, I called my mom AND dad to discuss what the best option would be. I was that weird guy with the cool jacket picking out fabric. At least I wasn’t buying elastic.
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