THE SH*TUATION

...and there I was, standing with crap on both hands, not knowing what to do and unable to move…

When I put Ellie down for her afternoon nap, I knew it wasn’t going to last very long. She hadn’t taken a dump all day and I knew it was a matter of time before we had a Mt. Saint Helens situation on our “hands.” Sure enough, after about 20 minutes, I hear her squirming around and whining through the monitor. Her whining started to get louder and more frequent. When I finally went into her room, I knew something had occurred. I picked her up and she wailed, and squirmed… and stunk.

Thinking that this would be a typical diaper change, and one full of her “efforts,” I was prepared.

Or so I thought…

I carried her to the changing table to lay her down. I knew right away this was going to be a tricky situation. She was wailing, squirming, not being still at all. I tried to bribe her with a toy. She threw it as if saying “I have a major BM in my pants and you give me a toy!? You idiot! Get the sponge, do something!” As I opened her diaper I saw steam and I think I heard a shriek. Like in the Amityville Horror movie when that voice says “GET OUT!” But this didn’t say “get out,” it said “GOOD LUCK!” There was a mountain of debris in there. It was big, it was mean, and it was green. I panicked. I just stood there for a moment shocked at what I saw. She kept kicking and squirming. I only have two hands, how should I handle this situation!? I held her legs up with one hand, and went to grab the wipes with my free hand. But when I did this, not one, but both of her hands grabbed her poop covered butt. I went to grab her poop smeared fingers, but she kicked her feet free. Her feet landed where!? Inside the poop filled diaper of course. So then her feet and her hands were poopy. I managed to grab one of her hands, which consequently got my hands smeared too. My other free hand had the wipes in it. But what about her feet? There was too much poop, and it was getting in too many places! I had to let go of the wipes, and there I was, standing with crap on both hands, not knowing what to do and unable to move. I had to be aggressive, and I had to act quickly. I grabbed her hands and feet with one hand, and with my other poop smeared hand, I grabbed the wipes and bulldozed the major structures away. Then, with my fingertips, I moved the offending diaper away and put a fresh one in its place. Then with a fresh wipe, I wiped her feet clean and let go. Ellie must have thought this to be amusing, because she stopped kicking and squirming, and started giggling… at me. Little by little, I was able to clean up the situation and myself. As if that wasn't enough, I still had another job to go finish. I needed to grab the sh*t stick and go kerblunking.

Now, when I hear someone say, “I’ve had a really crappy day,” it has a whole new meaning to me.