HAPPY MALL WALKERS

It’s been super hot and humid outside lately and I miss taking Ellie out on our walks down by the river. So today I’ve decided we are going mall walking. I didn’t know that mall walkers still walked in the afternoon, but I found out quickly when I was almost taken out 30 seconds after entering the mall. These women were serious, too. Two words: ankle weights. They were doing the turnaround too quickly and almost clocked into the stroller. Slow down Sally! So Ellie and I start strolling around with no destination. I quickly realize this is extremely boring. I’m mall walking, but I’m trying not to look like a mall walker. But I don’t have a destination, either. I don’t feel like looking at any stores because I’ll end up buying something I don’t need, or want, or can’t afford. But food… I could buy food! That’ll be my destination… Hmmm Sbarro’s pizza? Mrs. Field’s cookie cake? Olga’s Orange Cream Cooler? Dairy Queen Blizzard? Too many choices! I can’t decide. So I circle the mall a few times weighing my options. Do I want something sweet? Or greasy and cheesy? What am I more likely not to get in the near future? What can I eat while pushing a stroller one handed? I decided on the cookie cake. There’s something about frosting on a cookie that’s just pure genius. Uh oh, Ellie is getting bored. Better move on. Next stop, Target…


Nothing could have prepared me for what happened here. I remember it in slow motion. I was approaching the pharmacy department. I see a woman grab her purse from the buggy and almost run out of the aisle. I thought I heard her say under her breathe “I gotta get out of here.” It didn’t make sense then, but it would later. I looked down the aisle and there is a woman standing there with her back to us. My first thought is something spilled, and someone fell. But it turns out this lady farted in the pharmacy and was warning her friends! Yes, I said lady, farted, and pharmacy in the same sentence. There’s another woman standing in the aisle, frozen. I hear the offending woman say loudly, “Kathleen! don’t. come. any. further! It’s really bad over here… WOOO!... I’m really sorry, go around, back out now!” Now I know why the other woman ran. When things like this happen, it’s usually silently. You’ll be standing in an aisle and notice a foul stench. You look up, no one’s there. You’ve been hit! All you see is a fog. Or it’s usually teenage boys clowning about farts in stores. But this was an all out fart war with middle aged women! How nice of her to warn us. I’d expect something like this at Big Lots, but not at Target!