THE KIRBY

I was getting over a cold.  Ellie had barely napped so I was feeling extra exhausted and all I wanted to do was rest.  Finally at 5:00pm, Ellie quietly sits next to me eating her cheerios.  This buys me a lot of time because her hand-eye coordination isn’t the greatest yet.  It takes her 5 tries to get the cheerio in her mouth and then it keeps falling out.  Then she repeats.  So I’m lying on the floor, half in a daze, Ellie with her snacks, and I’m relaxed.  And then someone knocks on the door.  Ah man…  The window is open, they can probably see me lying here, I guess I need to get it.  But maybe it’s a kid selling candy bars, I could go for one of those.  I have to get it now.  I bring Ellie as to intimidate whoever is there, to reverse pressure them into leaving.  Who wants to sell something to me when I have a fussy kid in my hands right?  I get to the door and there are two guys with ties.  He says something really fast as he hands me a thing of Bounty paper towel telling me it’s free.  I say, uh, ok.  They get excited and say they will be right back.  I stand there stunned and very worried to what I just agreed to.

They come back with two big boxes and they start moving the table out of the way and are asking me questions.  The thing in the box is a vacuum, but not only a vacuum.  It’s a Kirby.  I then realize, these are door-to-door salesmen.  I didn’t know they still existed.  And they are selling vacuum cleaners.  This sounds so stereotypical of the 1950s.  I’m the lonely housewife trapped at home and they are trying to take advantage of me.  Should I offer them a beverage, I think.  What would June Cleaver do?  They said that they are not “selling” these, they are just giving demos, because these aren’t sold in stores.  I can handle a demo I think.  So the first guy Todd leaves, and Chester stays behind to give me the demo that I somehow agreed to.  So now it’s me, Chester, Ellie… and a Kirby. 

So the demo starts.  Ellie is afraid of vacuums, and really hasn’t slept all day.  I’m getting over being sick, I’m tired and not feeling well.  This combined with a stranger vacuuming my house showing me how dirty it is just doesn’t seem like a good combination.  Ellie hangs on to me for dear life as the vacuum roars on and off.  As the demo progresses I start getting interested in this machine.  It looks cool, it does a good job, etc.  But I’m also tired of standing, and standing with a baby in my arms.  I glance at the clock and realize this guy isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.  I quickly become disinterested and am just waiting it out.  I want him to leave before my wife, Aya, gets home.  Finally, the demo is coming towards the end and Chester calls Todd to come back and pick him up.  Chester was very professional, very thorough, and I think he knew I had no intention of buying a vacuum.  He was reading my queues, my wife’s cues, and Ellie’s cues.  Todd on the other hand, after sitting in the van for two hours popping caffeine pills and downing Red Bulls, was not going to take no for an answer.

I think if I just say it’s a great machine, but we bought a new vacuum about 6 months ago, that they’ll leave.  WRONG.  Todd hears this as “please try harder, I want one of these.”  He keeps telling me he’s not “selling” these.  He tells me, it’s a choice of choosing to live in this filth with this dirt, or to live without it.  He tries to guilt trip me into buying one, that my house isn’t safe.  I’ve made it this far in this flith.  I tell him, I’m gonna have to choose to live in it.  I don’t have $2,000 to spend on a vacuum cleaner right now.  Keep in mind, I’m not an aggressive person and I don’t do well during awkward confrontations.  Some may even call me a push-over at times.  So as Todd keeps pressuring me and pressuring me, I’m staying firm, but polite.  Too polite.

By now, Aya is home and I’m trying to keep her out of it because I know it’ll take a bad turn.  But Todd is one persistent fellow, and also stupid.  Todd brings Aya into it.  I keep thinking, you’re poking the bear, you’re poking the bear.  You don’t insult the people you are trying to sell something to.  He keeps saying he feels sorry for us to live like this, especially with children.  Aya has no problem holding back.  She gives him the hand and says, “I don’t appreciate your high pressure sales tactics, and you are interrupting our family time.  I don’t like your guilt tripping either.”  Todd just keeps going, but he’s getting ruder and ruder and more disrespectful.  And being desperate he keeps saying that we’ll help them make their goal for the contest so they can go to Florida.  I don’t care, Aya doesn’t care if they go to Florida.  We’re not paying $2,000 so these clowns can go to Florida.  Chester stays quiet.  He knows this isn’t going anywhere.  I chime in again politely saying, we can’t spend that money right now, maybe in the future.  Then he calls Aya sweetheart.  He poked the bear.  “Do NOT call me sweetheart.”  Now Aya is really pissed. 

Needless to say, we didn’t buy the Kirby, and after this, we never will buy a Kirby.  After some last few mildly polite words, they finally pack up and leave.  Aya heatedly goes upstairs to get Ellie ready for her bath.  Ellie is nude crawling on the carpeted floor excitedly awaiting her bath… and then she pees on the carpet.  Wait a minute, we did get that free roll of Bounty.  I guess the last two and half hours wasn’t a complete waste.