LAME, LIKE IT, LOVE IT

With story time over until January, I have a void to fill.  It’s too cold to take walks outside.  I need a break from mallwalking.  We’ve been to Greenfield Village and the Henry Ford Museum already.  We’ve been out on many lunch dates.  I even took her to the musical dress rehearsal at my brother’s high school he teaches at.  Starting to run out of ideas, I decided to take her to the Detroit Institute of Arts.  The D.I.A.  

The first step in going to the art museum was to figure out Ellie's outfit.  I had attempted to go earlier in the week and had already picked out an artsy outfit, but the museum was closed, and she peed on it.  So I had to pick out something different.  A different artsy outfit.  I thought about going all black going for the pretentious architect look.  But she doesn’t have all black, so I decided to go for the emo-rocker look.  That might be a sub category to "artsy outfit".  I put her in a black AC/DC onesie with black leggings that had a black and white striped ruffled skirt attached to it.  To top off the outfit I did red socks with her red sparkle Wizard of Oz Dorothy slippers.  Bling!  When we got to the museum most of the women had on skinny jeans or leggings with boots, which is what I had originally picked out for her.  I'm good at this, I think. 

  I was hoping for Ellie to get a little excited when we got to the museum.  Who doesn't want a baby that appreciates art from Italian Renaissance?  We went to the grand gallery first.  It has a really high decorative ceiling with big chandeliers.  She just glanced up briefly as if to say, “This is nice… but I’ve seen better.”  So I took miss fancy pants out of the stroller and we started roaming the galleries.  We started in the modern art galleries where she developed a rating system.  We’d stand in front of a painting and I’d point and ask if she liked it.  Most often she’d look at me, then look at the painting, then back at me as if to say, “Are you kidding?  This is art?  I make better 'art' inside my diaper.”  And then she’d start playing with the button on my jacket.  This meant the painting was “LAME.”  But sometimes she’d stick her hand out towards the painting.  Like she was trying to high-five it.  This meant, “I LIKE it.”  And very few times, and mostly with the impressionists, she’d smile and clap her hands.  “I LOVE it!”  

I wonder if I can use this same rating system when she starts dating. 

You know… when she’s thirty-five.

LOST IN TRANSLATION: THE TOILET GOD

When Aya’s parents were in town we settled into a nice routine. They’d play with Ellie all day, or we’d be out shopping, and then we’d come home for dinner. After dinner, Aya would put Ellie down, and then we’d all meet at the dinner table for dessert and coffee. This is when we’d all chat and catch up. Well, they would chat and catch up. I'd mostly sit there and laugh when they would laugh just so I would feel like I was part of the conversation. But on the last night, I really wanted to actually participate a little more.

Dinner is usually awkwardly quiet with Aya's parents. All of them (Aya included) are always focused on their food and eating. This is normal for them, but it can be extremely awkward for me. My family is usually talking and telling stories through dinner. Aya's family doesn't break out into conversation until after dinner. And since I feel awkward with the silence, I usually start asking questions just to make conversation. I’ve already asked so many questions about the family history and Japan that I felt like I was running out of ideas. So I started asking questions like, “What are your top three favorite vegetables?” Surprisingly this spurred a lot of conversation. And then I segued into “What’s your favorite dessert, both American and Japanese?” This got me through the week, but on the last night I was running out of questions. Her Dad and I had watched a Japanese walking competition on Youtube earlier in the day so I brought that up, which got them talking about some current Japanese pop culture.

That’s when Aya’s mom mentioned a song called “The Toilet God.” A song so popular in Japan, it's been translated into Chinese as well. Aya's mom had heard about it, but never actually heard the song. Aya's dad didn't know about it at all. So all three of them are laughing at the table about this song. I mean, it's a song called "The Toilet God". I’m laughing too, just to fit in. It’s a ten minute long song that is an ode to the singer’s grandmother who raised her, and also taught her the importance of cleaning the toilet. It sounds ridiculous, and even more so that it's ten minutes long. So we brought the laptop to the table and went to Youtube to see for ourselves. Now keep in mind all this conversation is in Japanese and I’m getting it translated to me in between all the laughter. We bring up the song and I sit through all ten minutes and have no idea what is being said, but in my mind it’s funny. It turns out to be an acoustic ballad, but it’s still about a toilet right? Of course it’s funny.

After the song ended I looked up from the screen to make a snarky comment and notice her dad’s eyes were all watery. Then I noticed, Aya’s and her mom’s were, too! I pointed it out and Aya finally broke the silence by bursting into tears crying how "it's such a good sooong!" They were all crying! What!? This was supposed to be a funny song. About a toilet! How does a song that’s called, “The Toilet God” make people cry? And these weren’t laughter tears. These were Hallmark commercial sappy tears. It turns out the song is about her grandmother and their life together and ends with her grandma dying. And one of the lessons her grandmother taught her was to respect the "toilet Goddess" and you would grow up to be a beautiful woman. Apparently it's a common saying in Japan and even Aya's mom said she remembered being told that as a little girl. I didn’t know what to say.

Imagine all the other things that get lost in translation for me, or conversations I listen to that I have no clue what it's about, or jokes I never understand. You too, would scrape for ideas of questions to ask just to make conversation so you could feel like you're a part of it. So after listening to a ten minute long ballad about the toilet God, and watching the whole family cry, I asked the only question that anybody could ask:

“So, what are your top three favorite fruits?”

Here is a link to the song. Yes, I know it's in Japanese, and no, I don't understand the lyrics either, but you get the feeling.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2VoEN1iooE&feature=player_embedded

KOKOMI'S KORNER

BUBBLE BURST

We successfully ended our eleven week story time course at the local library.  I’m happy to say that we made every class, Ellie was able to happily mingle with other babies, and I learned the lyrics to Pat-A-Cake.  I’m still working on the lyrics to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star though.  They just don’t flow for me.  Either way, library time was worth it and was a huge success.  Even though this will only be a short break and the next session starts in January, during the last class I looked around the room and couldn’t help but feel nostalgic as I reflected on our past eleven weeks together.

We arrived for the last class a little earlier than usual.  We walked into the room and one other mom was there with her son.  He is usually the shyest kid there and you NEVER see him out of his mom’s lap.  He was standing on the other side of the room all by himself.  This was a big deal for this kid, and I think Ellie knew it, too.  She squealed with a big smile when we sat down and she clapped.  The kid froze.  He just stood there not knowing what to do.  And then Ellie crawled over to his vacant mom’s lap and crawled right in.  “Hello, I can see why he never leaves this place.”  He saw this and I think it motivated him to move because he crawled right over to defend his territory.  Ellie was having so much fun I had to coax her back to me so the kid could get his mom back. 

The last class was pretty much a full house with one new comer, and a dad accompanying his kid with one of the grandmas.  The new kid was a nose picker.  He had his finger up there the whole time.  He wasn’t even digging for anything either, he just kept it in there.  Maybe his finger was cold?  As usual, the know-it-all grandma was there with her grandson who just learned how to growl.  So every word he kinda knows he growled.  He kinda sounded like a combination of Frankenstein and Scooby-Doo.  The grandma would say, “Do you remember ‘teacher’? It’s the last class, you better pay attention and have fun, can you say ‘teacher’?” He responded, “Ruh Row.  Teacher goood.  Books goood.”  Then grandma chimed in again and talked to him non-stop until the class started.  And with it being the last class I thought for a moment, I’m gonna miss these people.  But after hearing some more Franken-barking, I thought maybe not.

Ellie didn’t participate in the songs and activities as much this class because she was teething and pretty much just sat there eating her fingers the whole time.  She just smiled and clapped every once in a while and let out the occasional attention grabbing squeal.  “I love this book!  I love bears!  I love birds!”  With her just sitting and enjoying observing, that meant I got to just hang back and watch, too.  But when I saw the other dad singing along to the songs, I figured I better step up my game.  By the time I was able to get Ellie involved in the activities it was bubble time.  The last few classes didn’t have bubble time because the teacher was out of bubble juice, but just in time for the last class, there was a brand new bottle.  I don’t know what it is with bubbles and babies, but as soon as the bubbles start blowing, time stops, the lights go out, and a lava lamp comes out.  All the babies just sat there entranced by the bubbles.  “Wooooaaaahhhh man…  Bubbles… Far out…”  As the kids starting trying to grab the bubbles in slow-motion I thought I could hear Pink Floyd in the background.    

Story time is always wrapped up by toy time.  The last toy time of 2010.  I wished I had my camera to capture the magic.  As soon as the toy box came out, Ellie bolted off my lap and was the first to the box.  She’s always first.  It’s not that she wants first pick, she’s just excited.  She usually doesn’t even play with the toys too long.  She makes her rounds.  She visits all the other babies, and then usually climbs on their parent’s laps too.  The one thing that made this toy time extra special was one kid grabbed Ellie’s hair first!  She’s usually the forward one.  She was stunned at first, then smiled and grabbed back.  I was so happy.  But it turned out this kid’s dad happened to be Captain Discipline.  After grabbing his kid’s arm firmly he said, “No! We do not grab.  That is not nice.”  It kind of put a damper on toy time because he did this many times and every time he grabbed his arm and scolded him, everyone got quiet and looked around as if mom slapped dad at the dinner table.  What a way to end our final class. 

The next set of classes will be divided into two groups: walkers, and crawlers.  It kind of sounds like classifying zombies, but I hope Ellie is able to join the “walkers” class.  I have one month to learn the lyrics to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and have Ellie steadily walking.  Until then, Ellie and I will crank up the Pink Floyd, blow some bubbles, and have our own psychedelic story time at home.

SOMETIMES... AND ALWAYS

Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing a good job.  Am I reading to her enough?  Playing with her enough?  Talking to her enough?  Teaching her enough?  Am I behind on giving her more and interesting foods?  Do I take her out enough?  Do I take her out too much? 

Sometimes I’m embarrassed of being a stay-at-home dad that I play it down when I’m talking to people.  I’m afraid people will judge me and think I’m a failure in the working world.

Sometimes I wonder if Ellie would be better off with her mom being at home.  Is it possible that women are just better at this thing than guys?  Am I just trying too hard just to prove that I can do it?  ALL of the coupons and rewards programs for baby products are marketed towards moms.  Maybe they’re right.  Maybe dads don’t know what they’re doing. 

Sometimes I hate it when my wife helps out around the house with the cleaning and chores because it makes me feel like I’m inadequate because I’m a guy. 

Sometimes I miss the freedom of my life before Ellie so much that it feels crushing. 

Sometimes I’m excited for Monday to arrive because my wife will be gone at work and I will have complete control of my day and routine.  But sometimes the thought of doing everything by myself is completely overwhelming.

Sometimes when I go to my Mom’s to drop Ellie off for the day, I don’t want to leave her.  Partly because I’ll miss her, and partly because I don’t want her to have more fun with Grandma than with me.

Sometimes I get really jealous when Ellie gets so excited when she sees my wife come home or when she sees my mom, but barely reacts when she sees me.

Sometimes I wish that Ellie would go a whole day without pooping just so I could get a break from changing a poop filled diaper.

Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed with worry, guilt, frustration, and anxiety that it’s paralyzing.

Sometimes I feel judged.  It seems some women get judged when they stay at home.  Why on Earth would a guy stay at home?  The looks I get from guys who can’t relate at all to my situation.  The comments from women at the grocery store who assume I’m just “babysitting.”  I feel judgment in their eyes and hear it in their voices.

Sometimes I feel alone.  Like no one really understands me. 

Sometimes I just want to be alone.  With a bag of chips, a burger, a donut, and sit in front of the TV.

Sometimes my mind will wander while I’m driving and thoughts of losing Ellie will enter my mind.  Even though they are imaginary, the thought of losing her is the worst feeling I’ve ever felt.

Sometimes I think too much.

But one thing I do know ALWAYS, is that I love her, my little girl… always.

 

STRANGERS, SNUGGIES, AND THE EZ CRACKER

When Aya’s mom is in town, there are always a few stops we have to make.  We always venture out to the Somerset mall, or as they call it, the Somerset “Collection.”  This place has all the exclusive stores like Tiffany’s, and Louis Vuitton so they can’t just call it a mall, even though they have a GAP and a Macy’s like every other mall does.  After the “Collection” we hit Target and Bed, Bath, & Beyond.  I don’t mind going shopping with them, and especially now with Ellie around, I have a buddy.  Also with shopping at a different mall, I can scope out the mallwalking situation for a possible mallwalking trip.  This mall is three times as big as my mall, AND it has three floors!  And a Starbucks!  However, the Somerset “Collection” does NOT have a Big Boy like my mall does.  Maybe if we’re all lucky, one day they’ll make that addition.  What better way to celebrate your purchase of a purse that costs more than my mortgage payment than by eating a Big Boy’s Slim Jim? 

When we arrived at the mall the first order of business was lunch, so we hit the food court.  This is another luxury I don’t get to enjoy at my mall.  We have a Big Boy, but no food court.  It’s a fair trade I think.  As we sit down Ellie wakes up and I think she’s pretty excited for this place.  It’s new, we have food, and we’re sitting in a booth.  She polished off some snacks while we ate and then we hit the stores.  Since Ellie had been in the stroller for some time I decided to carry her so she could see things up close.  While Aya and her mom went looking at purses and girly things, Ellie and I popped into Crate & Barrel to look for some spice jars.  Yes, spice jars.  It’s come to this.  It’s the time of year for Christmas lists and such and I find the one thing I really want are spice jars.  My spice cabinet is a disaster and since I use it every day, what’s the harm in wanting it organized and coordinated?  Right?  I had no luck there and made a few other fruitless stops to more stores.  But one thing that was common at all these stores was that Ellie sure did get a lot of attention.  She made people forget what they were doing, where they were working, what they were selling.  The lady at Crate & Barrel said, “Oh my, how adorable!  You are just so cute I could take you home!”  And then she stared for an awkward length of time.  After I realized she wasn’t talking about me, I asked her if they had spice jars.  Without breaking her stare from Ellie she trailed off saying; “maybe, ask someone back there…”   Followed by, “So precious.”  As I left the store she said, “There goes my favorite baby! I’m gonna take you home!”  This happened at MULTIPLE stores.  If God forbid Ellie ever ends up missing, at least I have a few leads.

With three levels, this mall would be a great place for mallwalking.  There are plenty of places to rest and people watch, or as Ellie liked to do, heckle the people down below.  But I needed to see if there would be other walkers.  Would this place be mallwaker friendly?  You’re probably thinking the mallwalking situation at a mall that’s not a mall but a “Collection” is probably non-existent.  You’re wrong.  They exist.  They are just underground.  They are disguised as regular shoppers.  Instead of wearing gym shorts and a sweaty tank top, they wear velour Juicy sweat suits with rhinestones and carry Starbucks coffee travel mugs.  Probably filled with ice water.  I spotted two women, and could tell they were not there to shop.  They were walking too fast and did not have purses, or shopping bags.  Ladies, who are you fooling? 

The next day, we went to Target and Bed, Bath, & Beyond.   Nothing unusual happened at Target, but this one lady I met at Bed Bath was Beyond crazy.  Actually she probably wasn’t, I’m just not used to being cornered by strangers.  I was alone, hanging out with Ellie while everybody else was roaming around the store.  I had already determined the spice jars here were not to my liking so we were just relaxing in the main aisle.  It’s hard to move around in that store.  Especially with the Holidays approaching, the aisles and rows are overflowing with “must have” stuff.  Stuff like leopard print Snuggies, and the EZ Cracker (As Seen On TV).  This overabundance of stuff makes it hard to move around the store and especially with a cart.  And I got trapped by this woman and her mom.

Ellie and I were making faces when she approached us.  A woman approached with the typical, “Oh my, she’s so adorable, look at that smile.”  Ellie reached her hand out to her, which was an invitation for this lady to linger.  I don’t mind Ellie getting the compliments, but when the people linger, I don’t know what to do.  I can only smile politely for so long.  I’m not very good at small talk with strangers so I just smile politely and awkwardly, and wait for them to leave.  Then this lady started to tell me about her son’s twins.  “Oh, girls are easier… until they’re teenagers.  Enjoy it while you can.  My son has a four year old, and then he had twins.  You can’t plan that!  They were monkeys for Halloween.  Oh my, look at that smile.  Ok, well you have a nice day now.”  I thought it was over then.  As I try inching my cart away, I hear her yell, “Hey mom!  Come here and see this cute baby!”  So now this lady’s mom comes over and repeats almost word for word her daughter just said.  “Look at that smile…”  Then the daughter says, “Mom!  Let him go, I’m sure he had shopping to do.”  Ok, now I can get away.  Where is Aya, I have to get out of here!  The daughter pulls out her phone and says, “See here, this is Bobby, and this is Tommy, they were monkeys for Halloween.”  Oh… yes… look at that…  Yes they are cute…  “Yeah they didn’t have them on long, but they are just, too cute.”  We exchange a few awkward smiles in silence.  Is she waiting for me to say something I wonder?  I almost grabbed the EZ Cracker to take to the register just to get away.  Luckily, she finally moved on and I was saved from wasting money on worthless junk.  Too bad we weren’t in the Sunggie aisle, I kinda want one of those.

KOKOMI'S KORNER: I CAN WALK!

These bones were made for walkin'...