SEARCHED TWO DAYS FOR THIS CHICKEN...

took me another two to talk him into the job. – W.C. Fields

Have you ever pureed a chicken before?  I have now.  I’ve been making Ellie’s baby food.  Up to this point, it’s just been fruits and vegetables.  You throw anything in the blender and shabam, instant baby food.  But when it came time for chicken and putting it in a blender, I began to worry a little bit.  If she hated green beans and peas at first, I’m not sure how chicken is going to go over.

So I fry up some chicken with a little salt and pepper, cut it into cubes and begin to puree.  It’ looks weird and not smooth enough.  So I add some water and blend again.  Now that’s a smooth chicken.  I’ve just made a chicken smoothie.  My first reaction is that this is gross.  But then I think to all the weird fancy French food and Japanese food I’ve had.  Scallops with lobster foam, squid ink pasta, and things like that.  So a chicken smoothie shouldn’t be so bad.  I taste it.  It tastes good!  I don’t know what I was expecting, but it tastes like chicken. 

Now it’s time to give the chicken smoothie to Ellie.  She opens her mouth expecting something she’s used to.  She is immediately surprised at this new substance in her mouth.  She gets it down and opens for more.  But she keeps making a face, like it’s a horrible texture.  So I mix it with green beans to smooth it out.  Now we have a green bean chicken smoothie.  Maybe I should open up a smoothie stand.  I’d have the best flavors!  Beef, green beans, and apples.  Strawberry, banana, and chicken.  Matt’s smoothies are finger lickin’ good!

THE KIRBY

I was getting over a cold.  Ellie had barely napped so I was feeling extra exhausted and all I wanted to do was rest.  Finally at 5:00pm, Ellie quietly sits next to me eating her cheerios.  This buys me a lot of time because her hand-eye coordination isn’t the greatest yet.  It takes her 5 tries to get the cheerio in her mouth and then it keeps falling out.  Then she repeats.  So I’m lying on the floor, half in a daze, Ellie with her snacks, and I’m relaxed.  And then someone knocks on the door.  Ah man…  The window is open, they can probably see me lying here, I guess I need to get it.  But maybe it’s a kid selling candy bars, I could go for one of those.  I have to get it now.  I bring Ellie as to intimidate whoever is there, to reverse pressure them into leaving.  Who wants to sell something to me when I have a fussy kid in my hands right?  I get to the door and there are two guys with ties.  He says something really fast as he hands me a thing of Bounty paper towel telling me it’s free.  I say, uh, ok.  They get excited and say they will be right back.  I stand there stunned and very worried to what I just agreed to.

They come back with two big boxes and they start moving the table out of the way and are asking me questions.  The thing in the box is a vacuum, but not only a vacuum.  It’s a Kirby.  I then realize, these are door-to-door salesmen.  I didn’t know they still existed.  And they are selling vacuum cleaners.  This sounds so stereotypical of the 1950s.  I’m the lonely housewife trapped at home and they are trying to take advantage of me.  Should I offer them a beverage, I think.  What would June Cleaver do?  They said that they are not “selling” these, they are just giving demos, because these aren’t sold in stores.  I can handle a demo I think.  So the first guy Todd leaves, and Chester stays behind to give me the demo that I somehow agreed to.  So now it’s me, Chester, Ellie… and a Kirby. 

So the demo starts.  Ellie is afraid of vacuums, and really hasn’t slept all day.  I’m getting over being sick, I’m tired and not feeling well.  This combined with a stranger vacuuming my house showing me how dirty it is just doesn’t seem like a good combination.  Ellie hangs on to me for dear life as the vacuum roars on and off.  As the demo progresses I start getting interested in this machine.  It looks cool, it does a good job, etc.  But I’m also tired of standing, and standing with a baby in my arms.  I glance at the clock and realize this guy isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.  I quickly become disinterested and am just waiting it out.  I want him to leave before my wife, Aya, gets home.  Finally, the demo is coming towards the end and Chester calls Todd to come back and pick him up.  Chester was very professional, very thorough, and I think he knew I had no intention of buying a vacuum.  He was reading my queues, my wife’s cues, and Ellie’s cues.  Todd on the other hand, after sitting in the van for two hours popping caffeine pills and downing Red Bulls, was not going to take no for an answer.

I think if I just say it’s a great machine, but we bought a new vacuum about 6 months ago, that they’ll leave.  WRONG.  Todd hears this as “please try harder, I want one of these.”  He keeps telling me he’s not “selling” these.  He tells me, it’s a choice of choosing to live in this filth with this dirt, or to live without it.  He tries to guilt trip me into buying one, that my house isn’t safe.  I’ve made it this far in this flith.  I tell him, I’m gonna have to choose to live in it.  I don’t have $2,000 to spend on a vacuum cleaner right now.  Keep in mind, I’m not an aggressive person and I don’t do well during awkward confrontations.  Some may even call me a push-over at times.  So as Todd keeps pressuring me and pressuring me, I’m staying firm, but polite.  Too polite.

By now, Aya is home and I’m trying to keep her out of it because I know it’ll take a bad turn.  But Todd is one persistent fellow, and also stupid.  Todd brings Aya into it.  I keep thinking, you’re poking the bear, you’re poking the bear.  You don’t insult the people you are trying to sell something to.  He keeps saying he feels sorry for us to live like this, especially with children.  Aya has no problem holding back.  She gives him the hand and says, “I don’t appreciate your high pressure sales tactics, and you are interrupting our family time.  I don’t like your guilt tripping either.”  Todd just keeps going, but he’s getting ruder and ruder and more disrespectful.  And being desperate he keeps saying that we’ll help them make their goal for the contest so they can go to Florida.  I don’t care, Aya doesn’t care if they go to Florida.  We’re not paying $2,000 so these clowns can go to Florida.  Chester stays quiet.  He knows this isn’t going anywhere.  I chime in again politely saying, we can’t spend that money right now, maybe in the future.  Then he calls Aya sweetheart.  He poked the bear.  “Do NOT call me sweetheart.”  Now Aya is really pissed. 

Needless to say, we didn’t buy the Kirby, and after this, we never will buy a Kirby.  After some last few mildly polite words, they finally pack up and leave.  Aya heatedly goes upstairs to get Ellie ready for her bath.  Ellie is nude crawling on the carpeted floor excitedly awaiting her bath… and then she pees on the carpet.  Wait a minute, we did get that free roll of Bounty.  I guess the last two and half hours wasn’t a complete waste.

DEAR FRIEND,

Thank you for always being there for me.  Through the good times and the bad.  When times are tough, when times are rough, you’re always there for me.  When I’m feeling down, you make me laugh and smile.  When I need an adventure you provide excitement.  When I feel lonely, you provide companionship.  When I cry, you don’t judge me.  When I go on an eating binge of too much ice cream and junk food, you say nothing.  When I’m sick, you keep me company, day or night.  No matter what I need, you are always there, and you never ask for anything in return.  I love you Netflix.  And with 1000s of titles available for instant streaming, no matter what my mood is, you know just what to say.

KOKOMI'S KORNER





DOWN BY THE RIVER

Besides sittin’ on the porch, another thing I love to do when the weather is nice is to take Ellie down by the river to the park.  The park is a magical place.  You can see a lot of things and people at the park no matter what time of day it is.  One time my wife and I saw a big biker guy get down on one knee and propose to his girlfriend right at the water.  Another time I saw an elderly man singing while playing the guitar on a bench.  There are always families going for walks, people fishing, or older couples walking hand-in-hand.  It’s a place where you really feel like you are part of a great community… and it makes for great people watching.

When I first started the at-home Dad duties, getting Ellie to go down for a nap was a struggle.  So every day we would start the morning with a walk down by the river to get her to fall asleep.  Sometimes it would be two or three walks down by the river.  We’d walk through the neighborhood, down the main strip, and then hit the park.  By then she would be asleep and we’d park it on a bench.  I’d read my book praying she wouldn’t wake up.  Sometimes I’d stare at the same sentence for 20 minutes stressed out about the sounds of the seagulls.  It’s funny what she would sleep through, and what would wake her up.  For example, a garbage truck would pull up and grab a dumpster and slam it down.  She wouldn’t even flinch.  But then one of the car river sitters would sneeze, and her eyes would pop open.  Eventually, she needed less and less walks, and it got hotter and hotter so we didn’t come around as much.  Now when we come to the park, it’s just for fun.  On this particular trip, we played on the grass and people watched.

When we first entered the park, we were greeted by an adult balloon toss.  I haven’t seen or participated in a balloon toss since the fifth grade.  Now right in front of me was a group of adults tossing water balloons back and forth in the park.  I love this place!  Then as we made our way to our shady grassy spot (to assume our type 1 activities), we see a group of wheelchair smokers having a picnic.  Yep, it looks exactly what it sounds like.  A group of old ladies in wheelchairs smoking and sitting around a table having a picnic.  Nothing like getting out for fresh air.  Before we get to our regular spot, we had to pass in front of the car river sitters.  These people sit in their cars and stare not at the water, but at you.  Or anybody else walking by.  They think you don’t notice their nosy eyes peering over their newspaper at you, but you do.  I always find it weird that they always have the windows rolled up no matter what the weather is.  As we get situated on the grass, we see the regulars go by like the jeans jogger.  This guy jogs through the park wearing jeans.  At first I thought he was running from somebody.  Because if you are wearing jeans and running, chances are you are being chased.  But when you see him on every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, you realize maybe he’s jogging.  And then there is Hank.  I call him Hank.  You can see him not only at the park, but all over town driving his Hoveround up and down the streets.  He has a wicker hat and an American flag attached to the front basket.  I think this is awesome because when I’m old, and if I need a Hoveround, I would definitely be cruzin’ all over town.  Ellie didn’t seem phased by any of this though.  She was just amazed by the grass.  Actually, a little uneasy about it at first.  She just sat there afraid to move.  “Ahhh… what is this?  This is not the soft carpet I’m used to.”  Then she realized she could pull out the grass, and then tried to eat it.  “This green carpet is fun.”

As Ellie gets lost in her new green wonderland, I reminisce to when my grandparents took me to this very park.  For a moment I remember it like it was yesterday.  My grandparents with my brother and me, we’re holding a bag of dried bread crumbs and there’s a swarm of seagulls at our feet.  And then I wonder if I will I be taking my grandkids here… cruisin’ on my Hoveround.

 

LADIES, BABIES, and LUNCH

Now that I’ve had a couple months of being a stay-at-home Dad under my belt, I felt it was time to host a lunch.  I’ve been out to lunch a few times with Ellie, and she’s met other babies, but now I felt ready to have people over.  I can handle this I think.  It’s time to show off my mom skills.  I decide to cook, and I’m also going to make an apple bundt cake.  I really want a cake and this is the perfect excuse to make one.  And to be very honest, I don’t mind too much if they don’t like it, because I’m mostly making it for me.  The event was lunch, and the reason was to catch up with some good friends; four adults and three babies.  Haniyyah, Meghan, and Melissa.  Haniyyah’s baby, Zayna, is just over a year.  Melissa’s baby, Marcello, is almost 5 months.  And Ellie is 8 months.  We were all coworkers, but between moving, or getting canned, none of us work together anymore.  And now, all of us have kids expect for Meghan.  I thought I knew what to expect.  I thought I knew what I was getting myself into…      

THE EVENT

I wake up at 9:00am in a panic.  Ellie had kept me up between the hours of 3:00am and 5:30am.  This was not part of my plan.  I have three hours to feed Ellie, make a cake, prep lunch, and take a shower.  And of all the times Ellie decides to be fussy and clingy, it happens to be this morning.  She is rarely fussy in the morning.  She’s usually hanging out by the front door chewing on a shoelace.  But today, she’s holding onto my leg and whining.  I try to put her down, I try to get her to play, but nothing works.  I even try holding her while I cook.  It’s pretty hard peeling an apple one-handed.  As I watch the clock, I quickly realize I will not be showering this morning. 

Haniyyah arrives a little after 11:00am while I am trying to put Ellie down for her nap.  After a half hour of fighting Ellie to get her to fall asleep, I make my grand entrance downstairs.  But Zayna does not find me so grand, and is not in a good mood.  Haniyyah tries to put her down for her nap.  Finally, I can get my cake in the oven and try to clean up my mess.  It was one cake, but since I was trying to do it with a baby in my arms it looked like I had wrestled a live chicken in a flour factory on my counter.  At 11:45am Meghan and Melissa show up with Marcello.  He’s just chill.  Having a bit of trouble falling asleep, Zayna is back downstairs.  With my kid down, and all my guests in the living room, I’m finally able to start cooking lunch.

While I’m cooking, Haniyyah and Melissa are grossing Meghan out with pregnancy and breast feeding stories.  I think I overheard words like “stretch marks” and “sore nipples.”  Meghan loves babies, but she has a squeamish stomach with certain things.  For example, she was horrified when I told her we had my wife’s placenta in our freezer.  I joked that we planned on making strawberry peach and placenta smoothies.  She was not impressed.

At 12:30pm Ellie wakes up and is ready to join the fun.  Out of the 5 hours everyone was over, this was the only 10 minutes that all three babies were awake at the same time.  There they were, all three babies lined up on the couch.  Ellie is excited to see her friends, Zayna is totally stressed about her personal space being invaded, and Marcello is just chill.  Not knowing how to handle two women he just lies there motionless.  Ellie tries to bond with Zayna first by admiring her hair.  “Wow, do you use conditioner?”  Zayna replies with a “Who is this kid, and why is she grabbing my hair!?”  She has a meltdown.  Marcello and Ellie pretend not to notice.  It’s an awkward moment for them, like when you were a kid over at a friend’s house and their parent’s start arguing in front of you at the dinner table.  Ten minutes later Zayna goes down for her nap.  Then there were two.

Ellie, a little hurt and embarrassed by the rejection from Zayna, isn’t too eager to make fast friends with Marcello yet.  Although a little intimated by an older woman, Marcello leans in to make his move.  But now he’s getting tired.  So he goes down for a nap.  Then there was one.

Finally, around 1:00pm we eat lunch.  We are all able to really chat and catch up at this point.  It’s funny how things change, and how they stay the same.  The three of us parents just keep talking about our kids. Comparing stories about poop and sleep schedules.  But Meghan still doesn’t disappoint with her crazy stories.  Stories of people leaving threatening notes on her car, creepy neighbors that comment on when she showers, or her weekend party night shenanigans.   I think we all live vicariously through her and her stories now.

Marcello is still asleep by the table and Ellie's on the prowl.  With him sleeping and strapped into the bouncy chair, Ellie finds this to be the best time to try to make friends with him.  She crawls over and starts grabbing his face and his feet.  He's got nowhere to go. 

At 3:00pm Zayna wakes up in a much better mood.  But Marcello went down again so it’s just the ladies who are awake.  Ellie tries to make friends again, but Zayna cries.  And because she cries, Ellie cries, and because Ellie cries, Zayna cries.  Haniyyah is holding both of them now and Zayna is crying thinking “Let go of that other kid!” and Ellie is crying thinking “Who are you!? Where’s my Dad!?”  So they each try to one up each other.  After powering through the afternoon and getting attention from three ladies, this last encounter is just enough to push Ellie over the edge.  I put her down for a nap.  Because of all the commotion, Marcello wakes up.  He’s sitting on the couch just looking nervous as Zayna sizes him up.  Zayna doesn’t really care for boys.   She’s not a fan of me, and apparently she’s not too interested in Marcello either.  So she disses us both, but gets all smiley for Meghan and Mel. 

The afternoon winds down and everyone packs up and heads home.  Then there were none.  For a moment the house is quiet.  This is nice.  I survived my first afternoon with three babies.  I managed to make lunch, make a cake, and put my baby down for a nap…  twice! 

And then I realize this is just the beginning…

Time for another piece of cake.





DEAR REVERSE TOOTH FAIRY,

What did I ever do to you!?  I’m sick of these games you are playing.  It’s like you are dangling a raw steak in front of a dog.  You are torturing Ellie, and you are antagonizing me.  Did they not teach ethics in fairy school?  I’m not even sure you graduated from Fairy School.  Are you even certified?  Your cousin the Tooth Fairy seems to have a much more effective operation.  Not very profitable, but at least people welcome her.  You on the other hand are a disgrace to all fairies and should be disbarred from the fairy council.  Do you think just because you have an official title you can abuse your power and do whatever you want?  What is it that you want?  Your cousin gives money away.  I suppose you want some?  Are you holding Ellie’s two front teeth ransom?  What’s your price?  I’ll gladly pay it, and I’ll even chip in to get you new wings.  Meet me in the alley behind my house tomorrow at midnight.  Come alone.

P.S.  I don’t like you being in my daughter’s room at night.  Whatever you need to do, you can do it just fine during the day in the living room.

Disgruntledly,

Matt