SOMETIMES... AND ALWAYS

Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing a good job.  Am I reading to her enough?  Playing with her enough?  Talking to her enough?  Teaching her enough?  Am I behind on giving her more and interesting foods?  Do I take her out enough?  Do I take her out too much? 

Sometimes I’m embarrassed of being a stay-at-home dad that I play it down when I’m talking to people.  I’m afraid people will judge me and think I’m a failure in the working world.

Sometimes I wonder if Ellie would be better off with her mom being at home.  Is it possible that women are just better at this thing than guys?  Am I just trying too hard just to prove that I can do it?  ALL of the coupons and rewards programs for baby products are marketed towards moms.  Maybe they’re right.  Maybe dads don’t know what they’re doing. 

Sometimes I hate it when my wife helps out around the house with the cleaning and chores because it makes me feel like I’m inadequate because I’m a guy. 

Sometimes I miss the freedom of my life before Ellie so much that it feels crushing. 

Sometimes I’m excited for Monday to arrive because my wife will be gone at work and I will have complete control of my day and routine.  But sometimes the thought of doing everything by myself is completely overwhelming.

Sometimes when I go to my Mom’s to drop Ellie off for the day, I don’t want to leave her.  Partly because I’ll miss her, and partly because I don’t want her to have more fun with Grandma than with me.

Sometimes I get really jealous when Ellie gets so excited when she sees my wife come home or when she sees my mom, but barely reacts when she sees me.

Sometimes I wish that Ellie would go a whole day without pooping just so I could get a break from changing a poop filled diaper.

Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed with worry, guilt, frustration, and anxiety that it’s paralyzing.

Sometimes I feel judged.  It seems some women get judged when they stay at home.  Why on Earth would a guy stay at home?  The looks I get from guys who can’t relate at all to my situation.  The comments from women at the grocery store who assume I’m just “babysitting.”  I feel judgment in their eyes and hear it in their voices.

Sometimes I feel alone.  Like no one really understands me. 

Sometimes I just want to be alone.  With a bag of chips, a burger, a donut, and sit in front of the TV.

Sometimes my mind will wander while I’m driving and thoughts of losing Ellie will enter my mind.  Even though they are imaginary, the thought of losing her is the worst feeling I’ve ever felt.

Sometimes I think too much.

But one thing I do know ALWAYS, is that I love her, my little girl… always.

 

STRANGERS, SNUGGIES, AND THE EZ CRACKER

When Aya’s mom is in town, there are always a few stops we have to make.  We always venture out to the Somerset mall, or as they call it, the Somerset “Collection.”  This place has all the exclusive stores like Tiffany’s, and Louis Vuitton so they can’t just call it a mall, even though they have a GAP and a Macy’s like every other mall does.  After the “Collection” we hit Target and Bed, Bath, & Beyond.  I don’t mind going shopping with them, and especially now with Ellie around, I have a buddy.  Also with shopping at a different mall, I can scope out the mallwalking situation for a possible mallwalking trip.  This mall is three times as big as my mall, AND it has three floors!  And a Starbucks!  However, the Somerset “Collection” does NOT have a Big Boy like my mall does.  Maybe if we’re all lucky, one day they’ll make that addition.  What better way to celebrate your purchase of a purse that costs more than my mortgage payment than by eating a Big Boy’s Slim Jim? 

When we arrived at the mall the first order of business was lunch, so we hit the food court.  This is another luxury I don’t get to enjoy at my mall.  We have a Big Boy, but no food court.  It’s a fair trade I think.  As we sit down Ellie wakes up and I think she’s pretty excited for this place.  It’s new, we have food, and we’re sitting in a booth.  She polished off some snacks while we ate and then we hit the stores.  Since Ellie had been in the stroller for some time I decided to carry her so she could see things up close.  While Aya and her mom went looking at purses and girly things, Ellie and I popped into Crate & Barrel to look for some spice jars.  Yes, spice jars.  It’s come to this.  It’s the time of year for Christmas lists and such and I find the one thing I really want are spice jars.  My spice cabinet is a disaster and since I use it every day, what’s the harm in wanting it organized and coordinated?  Right?  I had no luck there and made a few other fruitless stops to more stores.  But one thing that was common at all these stores was that Ellie sure did get a lot of attention.  She made people forget what they were doing, where they were working, what they were selling.  The lady at Crate & Barrel said, “Oh my, how adorable!  You are just so cute I could take you home!”  And then she stared for an awkward length of time.  After I realized she wasn’t talking about me, I asked her if they had spice jars.  Without breaking her stare from Ellie she trailed off saying; “maybe, ask someone back there…”   Followed by, “So precious.”  As I left the store she said, “There goes my favorite baby! I’m gonna take you home!”  This happened at MULTIPLE stores.  If God forbid Ellie ever ends up missing, at least I have a few leads.

With three levels, this mall would be a great place for mallwalking.  There are plenty of places to rest and people watch, or as Ellie liked to do, heckle the people down below.  But I needed to see if there would be other walkers.  Would this place be mallwaker friendly?  You’re probably thinking the mallwalking situation at a mall that’s not a mall but a “Collection” is probably non-existent.  You’re wrong.  They exist.  They are just underground.  They are disguised as regular shoppers.  Instead of wearing gym shorts and a sweaty tank top, they wear velour Juicy sweat suits with rhinestones and carry Starbucks coffee travel mugs.  Probably filled with ice water.  I spotted two women, and could tell they were not there to shop.  They were walking too fast and did not have purses, or shopping bags.  Ladies, who are you fooling? 

The next day, we went to Target and Bed, Bath, & Beyond.   Nothing unusual happened at Target, but this one lady I met at Bed Bath was Beyond crazy.  Actually she probably wasn’t, I’m just not used to being cornered by strangers.  I was alone, hanging out with Ellie while everybody else was roaming around the store.  I had already determined the spice jars here were not to my liking so we were just relaxing in the main aisle.  It’s hard to move around in that store.  Especially with the Holidays approaching, the aisles and rows are overflowing with “must have” stuff.  Stuff like leopard print Snuggies, and the EZ Cracker (As Seen On TV).  This overabundance of stuff makes it hard to move around the store and especially with a cart.  And I got trapped by this woman and her mom.

Ellie and I were making faces when she approached us.  A woman approached with the typical, “Oh my, she’s so adorable, look at that smile.”  Ellie reached her hand out to her, which was an invitation for this lady to linger.  I don’t mind Ellie getting the compliments, but when the people linger, I don’t know what to do.  I can only smile politely for so long.  I’m not very good at small talk with strangers so I just smile politely and awkwardly, and wait for them to leave.  Then this lady started to tell me about her son’s twins.  “Oh, girls are easier… until they’re teenagers.  Enjoy it while you can.  My son has a four year old, and then he had twins.  You can’t plan that!  They were monkeys for Halloween.  Oh my, look at that smile.  Ok, well you have a nice day now.”  I thought it was over then.  As I try inching my cart away, I hear her yell, “Hey mom!  Come here and see this cute baby!”  So now this lady’s mom comes over and repeats almost word for word her daughter just said.  “Look at that smile…”  Then the daughter says, “Mom!  Let him go, I’m sure he had shopping to do.”  Ok, now I can get away.  Where is Aya, I have to get out of here!  The daughter pulls out her phone and says, “See here, this is Bobby, and this is Tommy, they were monkeys for Halloween.”  Oh… yes… look at that…  Yes they are cute…  “Yeah they didn’t have them on long, but they are just, too cute.”  We exchange a few awkward smiles in silence.  Is she waiting for me to say something I wonder?  I almost grabbed the EZ Cracker to take to the register just to get away.  Luckily, she finally moved on and I was saved from wasting money on worthless junk.  Too bad we weren’t in the Sunggie aisle, I kinda want one of those.

KOKOMI'S KORNER: I CAN WALK!

These bones were made for walkin'...

THANKSGIVING

Another great thing about Ellie being halvsies is that she gets to celebrate both American and Japanese holidays.  Thanksgiving wasn’t so much about pilgrims and Indians in our house this year.  It was more about east meets west.  Aya’s parents were in town from Japan to visit, and we were able to include her family with our regular Thanksgiving dinner this year.  The typical crowd is us, my folks, my brother Patrick, his wife Kristen, grandma, my good friend Rob, and his fiancée Jesse.  And also this year, Aya’s parents. 

The day started with me baking my pumpkins pies from scratch.  Yes, from scratch.  I’m very proud that I use a real pumpkin when baking my pies.  The crust is store bought though.  I haven’t ventured into making my own crust yet.  Maybe one day.  The empty pumpkin shells sit on the counter and remind me of my stomach; empty and anxious to be filled.  My mom is an excellent cook and Thanksgiving dinner has to be one of the best meals I eat all year.  We have the typical fixings;  stuffing in and out of the bird, rolls, corn, brussel sprouts, cranberry sauce, and green bean casserole.  Rob has Japanese roots, so he brought gyoza for appetizers.  Since Ellie and Rob are both half Japanese I joke that when they are together they are whole.  I say this every time he sees her and I’m pretty sure it’s getting annoying, but I say it anyways.  “Look! You’re both whole again!” 

As everyone arrives we all start to settle into our positions.  My dad and Aya’s parents reminisce about the time my parents went to Japan.  Kristen and Aya help my mom in the kitchen.  Rob and Jesse visit with my brother, and I make sure my 90 year old grandma doesn’t “accidentally” say anything inappropriate to anyone.  Luckily she just talked about her dog Ladybug.  We used to do a pre and post weigh-in, but one year grandma called me a fat *ss.  So we stopped doing the weigh-in, and believe you me, I haven’t let grandma forget what she called me.  When grandma met Aya for the first time, she told her that I was full of sh*t.  She said it in a lovingly way though.  She also uses the term “sh*t *ss" in an endearing way, and uses it repeatedly.  So knowing grandma’s history it was my job to make sure she didn’t say anything like this to Aya’s parents because chances are it would get lost in translation and they wouldn’t get it.   

We all gather at the table and say grace.  My brother sits at one end, and my dad at the other.  My brother says, “Hey dad, toss me a roll.”  After my dad hurls the ceremonial roll across the table, it’s officially time to eat.   And boy did we eat.  I had seconds before everyone even finished their firsts.  So did Aya.  We are the big eaters come Thanksgiving.  Well, at any family meal actually.  More so Aya than me.  This girl can put it away.  She puts the “all you can eat” in “buffet”.  When it comes to the Thanksgiving meal, I think I love the sides more than the turkey.  I like the turkey, but I usually prefer it leftover.  I like to gnaw on the leg bone cold, huddled on the floor with the fridge door open.  It tastes better that way.  Ahh… I love Thanksgiving.

Every year we take a family photo.  We do a serious one, and then a “goofy” one.  But we are running out of ideas for the “goofy” one.  We have already done jazz hands, zombies, the “I see a UFO” pose, and the “Andy Williams Christmas Special” pose.  What else is left right?  I usually lie on the floor with my pants unbuttoned and groan in agony as my dad sets up the camera.  It’s not only a camera, but he has those big flash umbrellas and he tests the light levels and all.  And where ever the camera is, is where I like to be.  So I practice my Sears catalogue poses for the test shots instead of lying on the floor.  Finally, we take the picture and then it’s time for pie!

We have two kinds of pie.  Apple pie and pumpkin pie.  I’ve been making the pumpkin pie for a number of years now, and my mom bakes the apple pie.  They are both delicious!  I can’t handle seconds, but I get some anyways.  Mmmm… Pie…

The entertainment for the evening was definitely Ellie.  She was on fire all day.  She was so happy and so playful and so good.  With all the excitement, all the people, and all the attention, she crashed pretty hard. 

I have to say, for Ellie to have her first Thanksgiving with the whole family, with both sets of grandparents under the same roof, that’s something to be thankful for.  And even though our “American” way may not necessarily be the “traditional” way to some, it is our family tradition, quirks and all, and I’m thankful for it.

"You're so cute I could just eat you up!"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

HALVSIES

Ellie is half Japanese and half American.  I guess if you want to get really technical, she is half Japanese, and the other half is a mix of Polish, Hungarian, Irish, English, Dutch, and CANADIAN!  I just found this out last Easter.  We were going through my grandma’s family papers and it turns out her grandma was born in Toronto.  No one knew we were part Canadian this whole time.  I felt so deceived.  So to get in-touch with my roots I got a donut from Tim Horton’s.  When Ellie is old enough, I will celebrate her Canadian heritage in the same way.

I was always curious just how Japanese Ellie would look when she was born.  Would people even think she was mine?  Would she have any of my features?  When she first popped out she looked very Japanese that I thought I heard her say “konnichiwa!” when she came out.  But after a little while I think she started to look like a good mix between my wife and I.  So with her being halvsies, we want her to be halvsies on the culture and language too.  We want to raise her with both cultures as equally as possible and to have the freedom to do what she wants and to be herself while having a good understanding of her Japanese roots. 

My wife only speaks to her in Japanese, and I only in English (because that’s the only language I know.)  I play Japanese kid's songs for her during the day which works out pretty well.  I like them much better than the English ones.  Maybe I bought the wrong CD but the English ones are awful.  I think someone needs to do a remix.  “This is DJ Goo Goo kickin’ the Pat-A-Cake REMIX!... Clap yo haaands everybody!”  Maybe I like the Japanese ones better because I can’t understand the words?  Ellie also has both English books and Japanese books.  I read her the English ones and sometimes I make up stories for the Japanese ones.  Once I find out what the real story is, I’m usually very wrong.  So I stopped doing that because I don’t want to confuse her.  One of the books that I thought was about bees, turned out to be about the color yellow.  Oops.

Not only is it our desire for her to be bilingual, but also for her to appreciate the foods from both places.  For example, Aya never had Spaghetti O’s until she was in college!  And the first time she had the popular candy Now & Later’s was as a working adult.  She came home from work saying, “I just ate Before & Afters!”  I stood there with a puzzled look on my face until I realized what she was talking about.  I don’t want this to happen to Ellie.  She will have equal exposure to sloppy joe’s and sushi.  The Japanese cuisine is exquisite and diverse.  Most people think it’s just raw fish, but they cook things, too.  Aya’s dad explained Japanese food to me, “the Japanese eat anything and everything cooked… and they also eat anything and everything raw.”  And sometimes by raw, they mean alive.  From ramen noodles to fish on a stick they offer everything.  Beef, chicken, pork, fish, noodles, vegetables, raw and cooked.  And in addition to all that, Ellie gets American food too.  Besides your typical packaged and fast foods, I think an example of American cuisine is homemade meatloaf, hamburgers, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, and a good deli sandwich.  And in addition those typical homemade dishes, we rule on junk food.  Where else can you get Late-Night Taco flavored Doritos?     

Having a blend of cultures works really well for dessert, too.  Traditional Japanese desserts aren’t the greatest (in my opinion).  They aren’t bad, just not the greatest.  They use red bean paste and things like that as sweeteners.  They are a unique flavor.  But the current desserts and sweets they put out, yikes!  That stuff is awesome.  For one, they all look pretty.  You almost feel guilty eating them because they are packaged and decorated so delicately.  Almost guilty, but not quite.  The cakes and cookies are sweet but not too sweet.  The creams and custards are delicate and fluffy.  My favorite is the shu cream from the Cozy Corner Bakery.  But one thing the Japanese dropped the ball on are donuts.  And that’s one reason Ellie should be grateful for being half American.  We nailed the donut.  From the specific cider mill donuts, and the simple local bakery, to the fancy bakery offering a million different flavors, we perfected the donut.  The Japanese have donuts, but their Mister Donut just falls a little short.  One other dessert us Americans excel at is ice cream.  I scream, you scream… we make the best ice cream.  From the simple vanilla to anything thinkable mixed in, it’s awesome.  But then there are the Japanese Kit-Kats!  I love the normal Kit-Kat we have to offer.  But in Japan, they offer it in probably 100 different flavors.  Sweet potato, lemon, blood orange, soy-sauce, green tea, and watermelon are just some of the flavors!  How cool to be involved with a culture that produces that! 

Anyways, my point is we want to celebrate and emerge her equally in everything American and Japanese.  We realize that somewhere along the line, she may reject it, or feel weird for being halvsies.  As long as she has the exposure, when the time is right she can pick and choose how and what she wants to be. 

Check out some of the weird Kit-Kat flavors here!http://www.weirdasianews.com/2010/03/18/japans-strangest-kit-kat-flavors/

CHEERY-O

I think I’ve been blessed with one of the happiest babies on the planet.  Even when she’s kinda fussy she really isn’t that bad and you can make her smile pretty easily.  She has her moments just like all of us but it’s pretty easy to turn that frown upside down.  It’s amazing where we started with Ellie and where we are now.  We used to only get two consecutive hours of sleep.  If we were lucky Ellie would go back down easy, but most often it would be two hours of sleep, two hours awake, and repeat.  I would be so excited when morning came because I felt like I survived.  We made it!  We survived!  Who knew what was going to happen during the day, but at least the night was over.  We started to get used to those two hours of sleep.  We’d have a plan.  Aya would nurse her and I’d lie on the floor to make sure she didn’t fall asleep(if I didn't fall asleep myself...).  This was not a fool proof plan but it worked the majority of the time.  If Ellie was still upset after nursing I’d clock it until she was asleep.  And then two hours later: repeat.  And then that two hours turned into four, and we got used to that, and then soon after it turned into six.  And now she’s sleeping through the night!  Sometimes even twelve hours in a row!  We are spoiled!  But sometimes…

Sometimes she still wants to fight and fight is exactly what she did a few nights ago.  It was fight night, but both Aya and I were out of shape.  We hadn’t had a fight night in a while.  Aya had nursed Ellie and put her to bed without a problem, but twenty minutes later, it was a BIG problem.  Aya hit the ring first.  Ellie was crying and crying and crying, and then screaming.  After a little while I tagged in and gave it a go but boy was I out of shape.  I felt like Apollo Creed fighting the Russian in Rocky IV.  Ellie came out strong kicking and screaming, flipping all over the place, and she wasn’t even pausing.  I even think I heard her say, “I will break you,” with a Russian accent.  I had to think quickly.  The mirror!  That usually works.  I walked into the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror with her.  She eventually opened her eyes, stopped, and then continued to wail!  She means business if her own face can’t calm her down.  I went for the Beatles next because that always work.  Her favorite song is You Really Got a Hold on Me.  This song is like a horse tranquilizer for her.  She usually immediately stops crying, gets quiet and falls asleep.  But this time it had no effect on her, not even a little bit.  I was starting to get concerned.  Maybe there was something seriously wrong with her?  Nothing made sense but if even Paul and John can’t soothe then we’ve got real trouble here.  What do I do!?  She was killing me in this fight.  As I was reaching for the ropes about to tag out I thought; Cheerios!  Aya, get the Cheerios!  QUICK! 

I brought her downstairs and we put the Cheerios on the coffee table in front of her.  She wouldn’t even open her eyes because she was still wailng.  So we put a Cheerio in her mouth and she stopped abruptly.  “What is this!?  I was crying!…  wait…  I remember these…  I LOVE these… you have any more of these?  I am pretty upset.”  So she proceeded to eat her Cheerios with snot and tears running down her face while hiccupping from crying so hard… and then she smiled.

I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before.  I used to joke with Aya how I should keep a candy bar handy when she gets cranky, because food is the sure cure for most anything with her.  It appears Ellie is her momma's daughter.  Like momma, like daughter.

KOKOMI'S KORNER

APPLE OF MY... CHEEK

Since I’ve been eating healthier these days, I have been eating apples for snacks.  Ellie will stare at me while I eat them.  So I started letting her have a couple mini bites.  She’ll open her mouth big and then her little teeth will bite in and then she’ll give a big smile.  She’ll chew and chew and then ask for another bite.  We do this for a while until I finish the apple.  Later, Ellie was sitting on my lap and we were playing and talking when she got this look on her face.  She was focusing on something on my face.  Then she made her make-out face and started to lean in… and bit my cheek… and then gave me a big smile.

WHERE'S MY BELONGING?

I haven’t actually winterized my yard for the past three years. But with the weather being so nice this week, I thought it’d be perfect to spend the day outside doing the final cut, and prepping the yard for winter.  My mom was going to have Ellie all day, I had my to-do list written, and a highlighter in hand ready to start crossing things off.  Let's do this!

The temperature was mild, the sky was overcast.  It was a perfect day for a fall clean-up.  I had my coffee cup in hand, and my I-Pod playing my mellow fall music playlist.  The first thing I needed to do was cut the grass.  I have a small yard and only takes me about fifteen minutes.  I also cut my neighbor’s and my grandma’s grass.  She lives just a few blocks away and has a small yard as well.  So realistically, it should only take me about an hour to cut all three.  Or so I thought…

I go to start my lawn mower and it doesn’t even grumble.  I replace the spark plug and use some starter fluid.  I try again.  It grumbles, putters, and then quits.  I repeat this process four times.  It quits every time.  And then it stops even rumbling.  I pull the chord again and somehow it springs back and slaps me in the face.  After spending an hour messing with this I decide to just go to grandma's and use her mower.  I have to go there anyways, I might as well cut hers first.  It’s still nice out, I’m feeling good.  This is just a minor setback.  Or so I thought…

I arrive at grandma's ready to bust this out, but her lawn mower won’t start.  What?!…  Are you kidding me?!  I think I can fix it, but I just need to bring it back home first.  So I’ll fix it, cut my lawn first and then go back to grandma's.  Luckily I get it started pretty quickly and I start to cut my grass until BOINK!  The front tire breaks off.  I'm not talking about a loose bolt, the weld broke and the whole front tire fell off.  EFF.  Seriously!?  Well, now it’s time to call my folks.  Can I borrow your lawn mower?  I already broke two…  Pleeeease.  Luckily they agree.

Finally!  I successfully cut grandma’s lawn, my lawn, and my neighbor’s.  What normally takes one hour, took four.  Ugh…  Now I want a Fall Festival Party Cake.  I want to edge and use the weed whacker to really trim it up before the winter.  No such luck!  After a half hour of trying I realize it's not going to start.  Well I’ll at least use the blower to blow off all the loose grass from the sidewalk.  After 10 minutes I realize I'd flooded the engine.  It wasn’t starting anytime soon.  Ugh.  This is getting old really quick.  How about I use the rototiller on the garden.  That’s what I can do.  Yup!  That didn't work either.  Now I want a box of Fall Festival Party Cakes.

I admit defeat and decide to go inside and start cooking dinner.  There in my kitchen, the mixer works, the blender works, my oven works, the stove-top works.  Maybe this is where I belong…

THE CIDER MILL RULES

One of the best parts about fall is going to the cider mill.  One of my fondest childhood memories was going to the cider mill every year.  The cider mill we always went to was Apple Charlie’s.  I don’t remember details of what we did there.  I just remember we HAD to get donuts and cider.  I’m assuming we ate them there and looked around, but I don’t remember the little petting zoo, I don’t remember looking at pumpkins, and I definitely don’t remember the Barn of Blood.  But what I do remember is the feeling I had.  The trip to the cider mill was a summary of what the fall season was.  Everything fall was compiled into one spot with cider and donuts as the stars.  The cool crisp fall air, the dry colorful fall leaves, fall jackets, everything imaginable made from apples and pumpkins, fall decorations, fall produce, and polka bands.  And now that I have my own family, I’m very excited that I get to show Ellie why the cider mill rules!

As we got out of the car we could already smell fall in the air.  The sun was shining through the clouds and there was a light crisp breeze.  Ellie looked around excitedly as we walked towards the cider mill.  We went to the little petting zoo first.  I’m not sure why apple orchards have petting zoos, but all the good ones do.  They have all the classics, too.  A goat, a sheep, some chickens, a horse, a llama, and an ostrich.  Yep, your typical barnyard apple loving animals are all there and accounted for.  We skipped over the Barn of Blood and made our way to the main attraction: Donuts!  

While waiting in line to purchase our donuts and cider I started to realize how cosmopolitan the Apple Charlie’s Cider Mill crowd really was.  When I picture fall, I don’t think of Addidas track suits or faded Detroit Lions pajama pants, but apparently this is cider mill attire.  After enduring the sights and sounds of the local safisticants, we made it to the front of the line.  Donuts!  Cider mill donuts are the best donuts ever made and they are always best consumed at the cider mill.  If you can’t eat them all at the cider mill, then they must be consumed in the car on the way home.  Once the uneaten cider mill donuts enter your house, their value and flavor drastically drop.  It’s not my opinion, it’s a scientific fact.  Although I could have eaten my dozen donuts right there, I stopped myself after four.  Next stop, the pumpkin patch.

We didn’t need any pumpkins, but you’re at the cider mill, you have to at least walk through.  It’s part of the experience.  And who knows, maybe I’d get one anyways just to add to the excitement of the trip.  We walked around analyzing the pumpkins looking for the perfect one.  We also couldn’t pass on a cute picture opportunity with Ellie.  And we weren’t the only ones, too.  There were at least three other families with dad’s with big camera equipment posing their little babies by the pumpkins.  “Who’s my little pumpkin!?  Yes you are! Yes you are!”  I had my camera equipment too and as I snapped the first picture I realized I forgot my memory card.  Ahh!  I even brought different lenses.  What a waste.  Now I’m definitely not buying a pumpkin.  Luckily Aya had her camera I could use.  It wasn't the "gung-ho I'm ready to strategically place and pose my child and snap a gazzilion photos" kind of camera, but at least it got the job done.

I was a little bummed out that I forgot the memory card, but Ellie seemed to have really enjoyed the experience, and my mood quickly changed when I realized I had eight donuts waiting to be eaten on the way home.  I had to eat them.  It’s a cider mill rule.     

KOKOMI'S KORNER

HAIR!

Gimme head with hair
Long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming,
Streaming, flaxen, waxen…

My friend Amy’s niece was in town from Florida.  She’s just a few weeks younger than Ellie and has hair.  Not just a little bit of hair, CRAZY amounts of hair.  Ellie doesn’t have much which I think is why she loves pulling on other babies’ hair.  When she met Zayna, she grabbed her hair.  At the library she grabs all of the other babies’ hair.  Now, with a play date with Corryn set up, I knew someone was going to get their hair pulled and it wasn’t going to be Ellie’s.

It was a Monday and Ellie hadn’t had a nap all day.  The longer she goes without a nap, the more hyper she gets.  She doesn’t get too fussy when she’s tired, it’s mainly a slap happy type thing.  So Corryn, Amy, and Amy’s mom came over about 2:00pm for the play date.  This as I understand was to be Corryn’s first official play date one-on-one with another baby.  Ellie has had a few under her belt and is always ready to play whether she’s tired or not.  She was getting antsy not realizing she was meeting a new friend today.  As they started walking up the stairs Ellie let out a squeal of joy, and once they were inside, Ellie reached out with big smiles at her new friend.  “I’m gonna have fun yanking on that long hair.”

Ellie and Corryn went on the floor to start playing, but Ellie went straight for Corryn’s pigtails.  Yoink!  “Hair! Wow… hair.  Maybe one day I’ll have hair.”  Ellie grabs her hair like she was a bald guy trying on a hair piece for the first time.  Corryn wasn’t too impressed with this forward behavior from Ellie and started crying.  “Who is this kid!?  I’m from Florida… be nice!”  As Corryn cried, Ellie squealed in excitement.  It almost seemed as if she was delighted she made Corryn cry, but I’m guessing it’s because she was just too excited for those pigtails.  “HAIR!”

Eventually Corryn warmed up and they started playing at the same time in the same space, but independently of each other.  Every once in a while, Ellie would get a glimpse of that hair and go grabbing for it, though.  There was no escape for Corryn.  I think the only break she had from Ellie grabbing on her was when Ellie was intently eating her cheerios.  When you put cheerios in front of Ellie it’s like time stops.  Her tunnel vision goes up and she grabs as many as she can hold in her hands and shovels it in.  It’s like my wife and I at an all-you-can-eat buffet or at someone’s wedding. 

All in all the play date went well and Ellie really seemed to dig her new Florida friend.  But I think Corryn left thinking, “Just wait until that chick gets hair…  just you wait…”

FRIENDS WALK TOGETHER

It had been awhile since I had seen my friend Meghan.  We used to be coworkers and worked on a lot of projects together, so we got to be pretty good friends after awhile.  When we sat next to each other, every day she would ask me, “do you wanna be friends forever!?”  Yes Meghan, that sounds good.  Then she would specify, “not BFFs…  just FFs.  BFF’s would be too crazy.”  Right Meghan, that would be too crazy.  Meghan is my unique exotic friend.  She’s from an exotic country where they eat ketch-up chips, and things named “poutine.”  Yes, you guessed it, Meghan is from the Great White North.  She’s Canadian.  Eh.  Meghan was going to be in our friendly country and wanted to come by and visit me and Ellie.  We originally had planned on taking a walk down by the river but the weather was cold and rainy.  So we did the next best thing, we headed for the mall.  I was excited because this would be Meghan’s first mallwalking experience.

When I met Meghan at the mall I wasn’t greeted with a hello, but a, “I just saw a serious mallwalker!  This lady meant business.”  I told you, this is how it goes here.  We didn’t waste anytime and got right into it.  I set the pace and the wheels were rollin’.  Meghan started to chit chat about school this and drunk party that, but I was focused on where we were going to have our afternoon snack.  I interrupted her so I could point out the Dairy Queen and the Pretzel Peddler.  I just wanted her to know her options, that’s all.  We continued our stroll throughout the mall not hiding the fact we were mallwalking.  We’d get to the end of the corridor and confidently loop around.  We didn’t even go into any stores for cover.  Maybe it’s because I wasn’t alone, or because I felt like I was showing my Canadian friend around, but I didn’t feel embarrassed or the need to hide my mallwalking.  I was a mallwalker and proud of it…  kinda.

We must have looped the mall at least four times before deciding on a snack.  I made Meghan decide because she was not only a guest in my mall, but the country.  Her choices were Diary Queen, Subway, Cinnabon, Olga’s, the Pretzel Peddler, Sbarro, Pretzel Time, and Big Boy.  As we were walking towards the pretzel place we saw a Big Boy and Meghan said, “They have a Big Boy!?  In the mall!”  This Big Boy had been at the mall since it opened in 1970, and I think it’s never been updated since then either.   I think Meghan really wanted Big Boy but she felt bad putting me in front of a menu with ice cream sundaes as an option (I had recently come clean about my food affair), so she chose Pretzel Time.  I was secretly hoping for Dairy Queen but Meghan had announced earlier she didn’t want ice cream.  She's lactose intolerant and didn't have her pills with her.  We all know what happens when lactose intolerant people have dairy without their pills...  I gave up my fanatasy of ice cream, but when we got to the pretzel place, I got one with a hot dog in it.  We kept on walking.

Ellie was sleeping this whole time which was awesome because she hasn’t been napping well.  This was a good break for me.  Good company, good walking, and a good pretzel.  But every time we looped by the Big Boy I could see Meghan’s eyes checking out the sign.  She finally decided she needs to eat dinner before her class and might as well stop there.  So we concluded our mallwalking journey at the Southland Mall Big Boy.  Apparently they don’t have Big Boy’s in Canada or at least not where Meghan lives.  She had a hankering for the exotic taste of American food and I was glad I was able to provide.  She was overwhelmed with the menu.  It was her chance for Big Boy’s but she wasn’t sure what to get.  I was overwhelmed as well but for completely different reasons.  I REALLY wanted the hot fudge brownie cake, but I just announced that I need to get my eating under control AND I just had a pretzel with a hot dog in it.  I stared at the menu trying to channel some will power.  Finally, I announced I would be getting a cup of broccoli soup.  Just a cup, and even though the ice cream sundae was only a dollar more, I let it go.  After 20 minutes of agonizing of what to order, Meghan went for the classic.  The Big Boy burger.  To top off the afternoon Ellie woke up at the end to enjoy the Big Boy experience.  This was her first Big Boy visit as well. 

Since Meghan had a full American experience, maybe next time Ellie and I will put on our tuques and make the journey up north for some twofers, Tim Horton’s, and some poutine.  Maybe not though…  After all, we’re just FFs, not BFFs.

KOKOMI'S KORNER

My dad was able to capture this moment from the outside...

FOOD AFFAIR

I have a confession to make.  I’ve been having a food affair.  I didn’t mean for it to happen.  It kind of snuck up on me.  It started with my anxiety of being a stay-at-home dad.  I’d go through a whole day of Ellie not sleeping and then I’d reward myself with some ice cream, or some chocolate covered almonds.  But then it started to escalate.  I started wanting anything chocolate, anything sweet.  I’d go through a whole jar of peanut butter in 4 days.  It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I realized I had a real problem.  It’s time I come clean, it’s time I get this out in the open.  Hi.  My name is Matt, and I’ve been having a food affair.

I eat a healthy breakfast, and I pride myself on making a healthy, tasty dinner.  It’s before and after dinner I can’t control.  I used to have a nice sensible salad for lunch, but then I got lazy.  I started taking Ellie for walks and such during lunch time so I didn’t want to eat lunch at 3:00pm when we got home.  So I’d have a “snack.”  If I was out in the car I’d convince myself to stop for coffee at McDonalds, and while I was there I might as well order a thing or two from the dollar menu.  But then I realized almost every place had a dollar menu.  I’d go to Target in the afternoon to buy cereal for Ellie and depending on my mood for food I might take a different route.  Taco Bell?  McDonalds?  Burger King?  The options were unlimited.  I’d try to talk myself out of it the whole way there.  I’d be strong on the way to the store, but on the way back, if I had $1.06 in my pocket, all bets were off. 

I started putting myself in situations where I knew I’d be able to access horrible food.  If I was meeting a friend in the evening, I’d eat two dinners.  The healthy dinner I made at home, and then a nasty awesome burger once I got to the restaurant.  If not a full dinner, at least some appetizers.  Once I was around the bad food I ate it like it was my only opportunity.  Like I’d never see another hamburger for the rest of my life.  I could come up with any reason to need ice cream.  If my wife had a bad day at work I'd play the sweet husband card and I’d ask, “Do you want me to go get you ice cream?”  I would be hoping real bad she would say yes.  I kept saying things like, “if it’d make you feel better, I’ll go…  I don’t mind.”  I think she knew though.  It was no secret.  I had a problem and it was getting worse.

I hit my all-time low about 2 weeks ago.  I was going through the check-out at Target and I was looking at those sale items on the end caps.  You know those cheap Little Debbie cakes that come two in a package?  Well, you could get a whole box of Fall Party Cakes for $1.52!  I didn’t even think about it.  I ate half the box on the way home.  I ate the rest of the box while I was cooking my healthy dinner.  I left one package of cakes for my wife.  “I got you a treat,” I said.  The guilt was too heavy to have eaten the whole box myself.  I didn’t tell her there was a whole box I had eaten… that day!  Thate evening, I was going insane.  I was out of Little Debbie cakes, we had no ice cream and I needed a fix.  I felt chemically off balance.  I needed sugar!  I walked to the neighbor party store and bought a pack of the Little Debbie Nutty Bars.  I ate two that night and stopped myself from eating a third.  Two days after that I was back at Target and I bought ANOTHER Fall Party Cake box.  I felt so guilty I gave a few to my folks, and I made sure I made some available for my wife.  But when she wasn’t eating them after awhile, I made my move.

I figure I need to get this under control before the Holidays officially start.  If I don’t do it now, who knows what will happen at Thanksgiving and Christmas.  So it starts here, and it starts now!  Hi. My name is Matt, and I will not let the Fall Party Cakes destroy the light inside me.  I give myself respect to honor my mind, body, and spirit in every way…

Now all we need is some cake to celebrate…  no?

Maybe one day we can be together again...